I like to think I am part Tigger at times...those times when I'm not all pre-menstrual, peri-menapausal and mid-life crisis-y. Those times when i'm not all "woe is me", "life is hard" all said with a Scarlet O'Hara type hand motion to my forehead, all dramatic like.
I do have an inner Tigger that likes to spring forth and bounce periodically. I wish I was Tigger-licious all the time, but I think that would be exhausting (for both me and everyone around me). But it does feel extraordinarily invigorating to get my 'bounce' on after coming through the grungy dark period of the past few weeks.
I hope you won't mind if I don't apologise for my last post. I feel that my friends, both real life ones and my bloggy ones, appreciate that life is not all picture perfect. I hope that by following my ups and downs of life and mood, you'll see me as a warm, honest, real life human being you can relate to. I also appreciate the outlet that blogging has given me, I find it highly therapeutic and beneficial to healing.
BUT REALLY, WHAT CHOICE DO I HAVE?
Bar from locking up my computer and disconnecting all forms of telecommunication at 'that' time of the month, I'm afraid the whole colour spectrum of my emotions is going to come out in my writing.
The other good thing that has come from writing my last post (and publishing it for the world to see) is that I have had a chance to really reflect on it. To deal with it as it is there in all its black and white glory. Not able to brush it off as I have a tendency to do. I'm crap at housework, but awesome at sweeping things under the carpet, haha.
Sure, I could delete it if I wanted to falsely create the illusion of perfectionism; but that would not be true to my authentic self and quite frankly, I'm too old for that bull***t!
SO, I'VE LICKED MY WOUNDS,
contemplated my lot in life, and realised that although it's okay to get down once in a while...it's the ability to get back up again that makes all the difference. Feeling around blindly in the dark for my rose-coloured glasses and graciously remembering all the gratitude in my life, allows the beams of sunshine to slowly shine back in again and offer a ray of hope out of my glumdom.
I CAN BE A SMART COOKIE, BUT A SLOW LEARNER
I seem to learn life lessons in a longer drawn out way than most. I often see what I think is the finish line, only to discover I either can't quite be bothered to get there today, or if I do make the effort, find out that it's a side-of-the-road-type marker that's just letting me know I'm on the right path, but I've still got a long way to go.
Where other people read something enlightening, and make positive life-changing actions...I watch with keen, drooling eagerness from the sidelines, wanting to absorb all their success but generally watching the world go by with little change to my own.
Not unlike my high school 1500m athletics carnival.
I blitzed the school competition and made my way to the regional meet here in Canberra. I then proceeded to compete with far more talented, faster runners. It was never going to be pretty.
SO MUCH SO
that I somehow ended up a full lap behind everyone else (who can spell humiliation!) I stopped running when some of my competitors crossed the finish line...only to realise they had finished the 3 3/4 laps, I had only run 2 3/4! I still had to run that long last 400m lap on my own. I felt like everyone was laughing at me (and I'm sure a lot of them were). I could have run away and curled up into a ball and asked the world to open up the earth and swallow me whole.
But I ran that last lap. Red-faced as a beetroot, and totally embarassed.
I SOLDIERED ON
and still remember the complex mix of mortification and pride. I still seem to carry a little of that story with me today. Either I'm really switched on, doing well, being productive, feeling like I have all the answers and have some modicum of control in my life; or I feel like I'm behind the eight-ball, missing some obvious signs, running behind the pack, losing my sense of balance, disposition and humour. I'm sure we all have days where we feel up and those where we feel down. My quest seems to be how to balance them out, or if possible, try to heavy the weight on the positive end of the experience scale.
THE INTERESTING PART IS SEEING MY CHILDREN EXHIBIT SIMILAR TRAITS.
Although unfairly my daughter seems to have received all the 'bounce' whilst my son has inherited alot of my un-bouncey traits. I know he struggles with this at times, and I can only hope that by seeing me pick myself up and moving on time and time again, he will continue to do the same.
SO SOME DAYS ARE LIKE A YO-YO.
Up and down. Up and down. I might do some snazzy tricks periodically, like walking the dog, rocking the baby, doing the throw down.......but inevitably once i've been up, i know I have to come down. Some people have a really long, long string, and don't feel the ups and downs so frequently. My yoyo has a shorter string (vertically challenged like me!) which means I guess I'm one of those people who notices the ups and downs on a more frequent basis.
The hope is that I will always remember there is an 'up' to achieve. As long as I don't allow myself to regress too much in the low that is self-pity and low self-worth, I will achieve enough momentum to get back up to the top again.
And that is joyfully where I find myself today. On the up and up. Climbing the ladder of success one slow rung at a time.
JUST HAVE TO TRY TO MAKE SURE I STAY ON THE LADDERS AND DON'T SLIDE DOWN THOSE DARN SNAKES!
I have done enough reading on self-improvement and building business and life success for a few lifetimes; heck, i even sold my beloved mid-life-crisis-Lexus to travel overseas to participate in courses that could have changed my life - if I let them! My problem seems to be putting said lessons/education into consistent action. I lack committment in a big way.
I'M SURE THIS HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH MY GYPSY-STYLE CHILDHOOD
moving to a different country every 18 months to 3 years for my Dad's work. It meant I often got special treatment/waivers from fulfilling certain requirements. As I got older, I could see that if I didn't particularly want to do something, it didn't really matter, as I would be moving on again soon anyway.
Unfortunately as I reached adulthood, the running has caught up with me and I have no where else to go. I have no place to run or hide. Darn things chased me all over the world and found me here in little ol' Canberra. I now have to deal with what's right in front of me. The big bright mirror of my life reflecting back at me the things I have been trying to avoid for the better part of 40 years. But for the sake of finally moving on and finding happiness, i'm going to polish that ugly mirror and take a good hard look at myself.
One piece of pivitol information that has crossed my path recently is the 'why' I did something in the past doesn't have to be so important - just the desire to want to change is all you need. So with a little help from my friends, and all those self-help books I've read, I hope to navigate through this journey to success once and for all.
I appreciate this ain't going to be a smooth journey (sounds like the start of a Country Western song) but it's one I'm ready to tackle with gusto. I've packed my baggage and baaaaaby, believe me when I say there's a shite load of luggage that i've been dragging around - and it isn't the good Louis Vitton kind!
So peeps, I've got my Tigger boots on and I'm ready to bounce in the right direction. I'm scared. That would be because I've tried and failed at so many things before in my life, that I don't want this to be another story I have to look back on and shake my head in shame. I don't want to make any more excuses for myself.
I'm going to take the next few days to gather all my notes, written hopes and longed for dreams and put them all together in some sort of comprehensive order that will allow me to determine my next step.
I'm often a whirlwind of action - starting new projects all over the place (not unlike Tigger, who frightens the life out of poor little Piglet when he gets a little bouncey and excited and accidently leaves a wake of clumsy mess around him) but this time I aim to make it strategic, focused and have a clear projectory. I've seen friends who do it, and I am often half in awe of them and half envious. Now is the time to be inspired by them and be in awe of myself for a change.
I'll leave you with the very wise words from Dare To Dream's Anthony Fernando
Many people think of dissatisfaction as a negative emotion that should be
suppressed or denied, but in actual fact dissatisfaction is one of the most
important ingredients for success.
What most people don't realise is that dissatisfaction is a powerful form
of fuel that has been the driving force behind many of the world's
You see, in order to be dissatisified, you must want something.
And if you can identify what it is that you want and then stoke the fuel of
your dissatisfaction, at some point it will ignite and propel you to take action.
Like many, I can shout loud and clear about what dissatisfies me. Now to turn the corner and find out what fuels me in the right direction. Bon Voyage friends. I might be starting this journey in economy (coach for those in the US of A) but I plan on working my way up to first class in no time.