With so many people in the world, how is it one can find themself feeling so lonely?
We're a planet comprised of 7 billion people. How is it then that I sometimes feel so alone? And if feeling lonely was't bad enough, throw into that mix the fact that i feel like a foreigner in my own land. Have you ever had one of those days where you feel like you are speaking a language so alien that even men from Mars and Women from Venus can't understand you? I have recently read that that whole Mars/Venus thing has been scientifically proven as boloney...we're just different. Well duh! Do you ever have one of those moments the minute you open your mouth, you feel people are instantly tuning out and hearing only "blah, blah, blah" instead?
SO MANY QUESTIONS, SO FEW ANSWERS.
Why such melancholy you ask? Oh so many reasons. Grab yourself a cuppa and pull up a pew. I feel like this blog post needs to come with an Australian Classified Review Board Rating - M perhaps. Not for Mature Audiences, but M for Melancholy! It's not all depression and sorrow though. I hope you might laugh along with me as I take a good hard look at myself today. Perhaps you might enlighten me with some inspiring comments to make me feel like there is life out there in the stratosphere, that we are indeed not alone in this universal journey through life.
I'M ALWAYS A LITTLE SAD WHEN MY KIDLETS HAVE TO LEAVE ME
to go visit their Dad, as they did this afternoon. I'm happy they share a loving relationship with their father, and he deserves to experience the joys of parenting equally as much as I do. But shared care isn't for the faint hearted. It's been over a year or so and I still wake up sad on the day I have to say goodbye. Even though I still fortunately get to see them in their week away at their Dads, it's not the same as knowing they are in their beds when I wake up in the morning. The house is awfully quiet when they're not here - even though they spend the majority of the time in their rooms when they are here.
I AM MORE SETTLED IN MY ROLE NOW AS A 'PART-TIME MOTHER'
than I was in the beginning. I am now quite happy to enjoy my mini-break free of cooking for others, added laundry, car pooling, and the million other things that come along with raising children. But my heart and mind don't take a vacation. I wonder if i'm missing out on a pivitol moment in their life, that they're doing everything they should be, and just not physically being able to hug and kiss them goodnight each day is something I will never get used to. But, that's not the only reason for my doldrums today.
I'm so used to being alone now that I get a little nutty and irritable if I don't get some solitary peace. But lonliness is bittersweet. There is only so much peace, serenity and calm that one can experience before one dies of boredom and sorrow from lack of human contact. I consider myself in the middle of the calm/noise sprectrum. I would go insane at both a non-speaking Ashram in India or hanging around 3-year-olds doped up with artificial colouring at a birthday party.
REMEMBER MY LAST POST ABOUT MR CRUSH?
Well, i've been a good lass and avoided the shop as much as possible. Possibly more out of embarrassment than support for his newfound relationship; but I'm definitely not 'the other woman' material. Even with my low self-esteem I have high enough morals to know that I deserve better than that. So, fewer visits to see Mr Crush means cat food and toilet paper supplies have dwindled; but today I got the added bonus of seeing him working alongside his new Miss Partner (should I be grateful that we didn't hook up, after all I don't know that I'd want to give up my day job to be check-out chick material).
NOW, I'M THE FIRST TO EXPRESS "NAWW" CUTENESS AT LOVED UP COUPLES
...just not when I would like to be with one half of said couple. I also confess to using Mr Crush to try to take my mind off a more serious heartfelt issue involving the end of a very intense but meaningful ten-year relationship with Mr Ex (my first and only real serious relationship since Mr Ex-Husband ended13 years ago - i'm figuring the odd date with Mr RSVP/Internet Dating Website over the years doesn't count as real or serious - and by odd I mean both in the literall sense and scarcity in number!). The worst part is, most people thought Mr Ex was out of my life years ago, so I'm mourning a relationship that no one even knew I was having. That's tough and more than a little bit difficult.
SO, AFTER OVERINDULDING IN WATCHING ROMANTIC COMEDY FLICKS
with my daughter on tv lastnight, watching young love blossom between my son and his adorable new girlfriend, and seeing Mr Crush with his new beau this morning, i'm finding my usual 'happy ever after' demeaner smelling a little rotten in the compost heap of love. Seriously, there are only so many Jennifer Anniston or Steve Carell flicks you can see without wanting to trade in your unicycle for a 'bicycle built for two' kind of lifestyle. Tandem bikes, couples everywhere, Virginia is for Lovers facebook sites (and my old stomping ground), two-for-one discount coupons, and wedding anniversaries (my 'would be' 19th just passed) have all left me feeling a little lonesome. A little loser-ish. A little unloved and feeling very sorry for myself.
NOT THAT I CAN GET OFF ENTIRELY SCOTT-FREE HERE.
As far as being accountable for ones lot in life, I have to take a big step up and horrifyingly admit that I am guilty of keeping myself at arms length to love. I have let myself go. I am overweight and unhappy. I don't love this, but the side effect is...no one will have me...thereby in my illogical mathmatical love equation, I shall not open myself up to the pain of having my heart broken again. I have ostensibly placed myself in a glass box where I can be admired from afar but not touched, like a Babe Ruth baseball, or the Hope Diamond. But who am I kidding, there's no long queues waiting to examine this exhibit. No ogling happening in my direction unless my gorgeous 15 year old daughter is in tow.
"PUT THE VIOLINS AWAY", I HEAR YOU SAY.
"And just get over yourself Kylee". I know I should just grow up, be responsible and get into shape. Oh, if only it was that easy. I'm the only person I know who with a doctor's supervision, went to the gym almost daily, kept a food diary and lost a measley 4 kilos in a 12-month period. Can we all say WTF? I was superfit, but still super fat! I went to a Nutritionist, immunologist, ear, nose and throat specialist, personal trainer, read countless diet/fitness books, even turned to Oprah for help (still have a thing for Dr Mhemet Oz). I tried Rieki, and even went to a reknowned Bowen Therapist who told me i could live on lettuce leaves and still not lose weight. Apparently the problem was not with my diet and exercise routine, but with my mind. Great! A calorie-resistant, overweight, fat, sensitive mindset. Wasn't anything on me skinny?
I AM AWARE OF THE IRONY
that keeping myself fat and living in a state of hermit-like existence is perpetuating the negative belief I have about being alone. I would like to run away and magically lose the weight and reappear to start my life fresh. But unfortunately this doesn't seem to be an option in my daily menu of choices. I even sent an entry off to The Biggest Loser Australia a few years ago, but was slightly happy to discover I wasn't really big enough to be a contestant (don't judge me, i know that's wrong to gloat at someone else's misfortune). You see I'm vertically challenged which doesn't help (or as my doctor who monitored my fitness progress for 12 months said, "you're the perfect weight for someone taller"!)
NOW, IT'S HIGHLY POSSIBLE THAT I'M HORMONAL,
peri-menopausal or suffering a mid-life crisis. Any (or all) of these could be making me a little somber. Although those of you who know me well, will know that I have already had one of those. Three years ago, $100,000, and a Lexus Hybrid SUV later, I'm well aware that I would have been better paying off the mortgage and buying a cheap little red sports car! Never-the-less, we live and learn people, we live and learn. Maybe if I was loved up with a partner, I might have had someone with which to discuss my brilliant plan. A significant other might have been able to talk some sense into me that my then 13 and 11 year old couldn't as they were too busy watching the dvds in the back of the headrests with wireless headphones in the fancy car to be of much constructive, objective advice.
SO THERE YOU HAVE IT.
I'm lonely, and now I've put it out there in all its ugliness for everyone to see. I guess I'm hoping by actually talking about it, maybe something will change. I might be able to do something about the perimenopause, but I cannot afford to have another mid-life crisis (because my new car of choice is $116,000)! I want to have a partner to share my life with. To take those two-for-one holiday deals with. Someone to talk about current affairs with, the circus that is Charlie Sheen, the joy that is the Royal wedding, the sorrow that is the Christchurch and Japanese earthquakes. I want to discuss my good/bad day at work. I want to share my hopes and dreams with someone who's interested in helping me achieve them. I want to show my romantic side, my humorous side, take dance classes and hang out with our families together.
I DON'T WANT TO DIE ALONE.
I don't want to be a burden to my children. I know they worry about me. They adore me, and wish I could be loved the way they think I deserve to be. Aren't they beautiful, gosh I miss them. But I need to get a life as they develop grown up lives of their own. I think that is also what this is about a little. I'm realising I have a shelf-life as their primary care giver. As much as we will always need our Mums (love you Mum), they don't need me in quite the same way as they grow. I suppose I'm trying to find my place in the world and I know that it would be nice if it was standing next to a man that makes me smile, laugh, love and grow. I'm prepared to do this alone, I don't have much choice at present. But I'm putting it out there that I'm ready for things to change. So Mr Crush and Mr Ex I wish you both well, thank you for what you have given me to get me to where I am today. But I got it from here.