Ready, set...

This is a super long post. Apologies in advance. 
There's lots to say first time back in ten months.

Hope you'll hang in there.  Future posts will be more like me - short ;-)

Hello old friends.

It's been a while since my last confession blog post.  I have been a bit neglectful of late of this lovely little space I call my blog.  So I've decided to commit to a more regular writing schedule.  Regular for me does not necessarily mean every day...or even every second (or third...). By aiming for one day a week, I can give myself copious amounts of praise and a pat on the back if I manage to make that happen (because not unlike a puppy, I work well with praise).

So, why haven't I been writing on the blog since August?

I've just been sooooo busy.  Being successful, making squillions, mingling with the rich and famous, running marathons, finding a cure for cancer, baking gluten/ egg/ dairy free cupcakes, learning a second language and having my nails done, that I've had no time to blog.  Well, that last thing was true, my nails look great.

http://www.thedoodlegirl.com/illustration

-friday/illustration-friday-homage

Sadly, if the truth be told

- and we all know that blogging is about truth; or the truth as the writer wants you to see it - I seem to have gone backwards in life. Is that even possible? Is there an award for that? I've become a recluse, lost my job, gained more weight, lost more hair, increased my wrinkle to smooth skin ratio, worn a dent in the sofa, waved goodbye to my hopes and aspirations...along with any hope of finding a man while i've still got my youth.  Which is actually quite a lot of stuff when you read it back, so maybe I'm not as lazy and hopeless as I first seem?

Have you ever felt like this?

Allow me to give you some perspective.

To understand why my life has spiralled out of control to a point where I must now take action, please spare some thought to those having to live in my orbit.  Those around me could be forgiven for thinking I've been experiencing a tragically drawn out mid-life crisis, or smoking crack. Or both. This shemozzle called my life is best summed up in point form (aka SOME (not all) of the things I have done to give those nearest and dearest to me reason to believe i've gone insane).  Let us count the ways together, shall we?

In no particular order, I've:

• won $10,000 in a competition (thank you Western Star butter),
• spent said $10,000 to fix my leaky bathroom taken the kids to America (Disney vs mouldy bathroom, you know you would have done the same thing);
• still got the freakin' leaky bathroom. Sigh;
• held a couple of awesome jobs in the diplomatic field, met a US President and a couple of vice presidents;
• lost interest in all of it and have since job hopped my way to unemployment; (winning - not);
• purchased a ridiculously expensive vehicle. Ridiculously expensive. (I say it twice because it was RIDICULOUSLY expensive. Deposit on a Sydney mansion, type of ridiculous. In my defence, it was a true love affair. I will have another one day);
• sold said ridiculously expensive vehicle 16 months later to traipse off overseas - alone!;
• felt guilty living it up in 5 star luxury on the other side of the world without the kids. Darn kids;
• participated in a very expensive self-development/business course in Arizona with renowned success coach; obviously I'm not the best walking example of his course (refund anyone?)
• started a business with my best friend (she's awesome, it could have been great);
• ceased business soon after, because I suck. She deserved better. (thanks bff if you're reading, you know I love you). I obviously don't play well with others;
• started my own business, boomerang jane. Loved it! Felt this was part of my calling;
• designed a cute reusable shopping bag that made its debut on Packed to the Rafters. Success came calling, 1000 bags ordered, I crumbled like day old bread and ran the other way (this seems to be the only constant in my life...running away. Possibly why I was good at cross country in high school!)...still storing about 800 bags in every closet in my house;
• started my first serious relationship since my divorce;
• ended my first serious relationship since my divorce;
• re-started same first serious relationship since my divorce;
• ended my re-started first serious relationship since my divorce;
• re-re-started, ended...you get where this is going. A decade of disfunctional love with a disfunctional man. I'm still at a loss to explain the disfunction. Other than to say I got lonely sometimes?;
• stopped going out, having fun, basically became a boring recluse;
• written a kids' book, but gave up getting published when I got my first knock back;
• pretty much given up drinking alcohol (I know! who does that!);
• started eating lots of chocolate (I know! who doesn't do that!);
• joined a gym;
• cancelled gym membership;
• started a squillion new projects;
• not finished a squillion new projects;
• not lived within my means and wracked up over $10,000 in stupid credit card debt (yes, I have since cut up my cards but still harbour the debt);
• obtained a bachelor degree in interior design, advanced diploma in interior decorating, cert IV in business management, but haven't persued a career in any of it;
• watched my beloved 15 year old puppy die;
• started a diet;
• gained weight;
• started a few more diets;
• gained more weight;
• taken up running;
• gained even more weight;
• had a breast cancer scare;
• had surgery (in my skull no less) for benign growths caused from allergies to food which I stupidly continue to eat;
• declining health and am now the proud owner of an auto-immune disease, metabolic syndrome, hypothyroidism, chronic anemia, possible celiac, ding ding ding, the bells and whistles just keep on ringing. If I don't change anything now, I can add stroke, diabetes and heart attack to the list, and possibly Alzheimer's as my memory is already cactus;

In a nutshell

I am jobless, but don't want to re-enter the traditional workforce.  I am overweight, and literally riddled with disease (and dis-ease as the lovely Louise Hay explains). I am not unhappy, but I'm not living life to the brim.  Something has to be done NOW.  No more half-assed attempts at thinking about changing. But a genuine desire and plan to change my life. I have finally had enough of feeling 'less than'.  The hardest part to accept is that I am the only person responsible for my demise. They say you create your own destiny, you get what you think about. Obviously I need to stop treating my life like a game of limbo..."how low can you go?". I need to stop lowering the bar. And if that's not possible, I need to throw on a grass skirt, limber up, swig on a cocktail and join in the chant of "how low can you go?".  

 google images

  

So...

How does one make the necessary changes in their life to take them from hairy overgrown sloth to SuperMum? Heck, I don't even need Super-Mum, I'll settle for Satisfied-with-myself-and-where-I'm-headed Maturing Lady.  As I find myself at this mighty scary crossroad midway through my life.  I'm sure there's a sign that says "Success - next right", but for some reason I keep going left.  Possibly because I can't read the sign as I refuse to wear my glasses, ha.  So what the hell do I do next?

It's evident I have a multitude of 'issues' to deal with.

The biggest are commitment, belief, fear, self worth and balance.  It's difficult to see permanent change when you constantly give up on yourself. When you're pathetically impatient that if you can't change everything immediately, you just give up. But I have a deep yearning to live my dreams. To be joyful and successful doing what I love.  Thankfully there is a tiny ember deep within me that is still burning brightly to live the best life that I can. I am so grateful that not all hope has been extinguished.  Wayne Dyer has a wonderful expression "Don't die with the music still inside you".  I'm ready to make some music.   

Rather than spend another Southern Hemisphere winter 

hibernating my arse off and eating my weight in Hershey Kisses again (don't judge me), I could actually put all of the self help knowledge, classes and research I have garnered over the past 7 years to good use.  I realise in typing that last sentence that it is quite possible that Step One on the journey to self-development was to not wait seven years to actually put the material into practice. Well duh! I may or may not have missed that little pearl of wisdom...but Step Two must be 'It's never too late to go back to step one'.  Surely it would only be embarrassing if I spent ANOTHER seven years reading self development books whilst continuing to not take the advice and slide backward in life?  Yes, that's what I thought too.  Hasn't everybody read a health book on the detriment of sugar on the body, whilst eating a mouthful of chocolate at the same time?  What about an exercise book, whilst lying on the couch? Or a finance book minutes before heading to the discount shop to buy crap you really don't need?  I am a delightfully complex mynx.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/booksblog/

2009/sep/01/in-praise-books-half-read

I can honestly say I have read my height in self help, diet, health, exercise & success books, ironic isn't it?

I'm not going to lie.

This is going to be difficult. And confronting. I'm bound to make progress and have setbacks.  The hard part is going to be putting it all to practice. If it was easy, I probably would have done it by now, me thinks (see, I am quite the hidden genius).  Which is where this little blog may just come in handy.  And hopefully you guys. You see, I never really make myself accountable for anything. And I'd like to change that. It's scary and makes one very vulnerable when they're airing their dirty laundry for all to see.

There has been a great deal of negative trolling

on the net of late, and I realise I am opening myself up to negative judgement and scrutiny. But...serious change requires some serious big girl panties. We'll just pretend I look like Wonder Woman in mine ;-)  I hope if you choose to follow this 'journey'* with me, you will do so without too much judgement and bucket loads of love and support.  If in this process I might inspire one other person to step out of their shadow and shine, I will be sincerely pleased indeed.

* The word jorney is generally reserved for contenstants on The Biggest Loser or The Voice. Humour me.

I have been guilty

many times of putting on a rosy disposition when I am feeling anything but. I have perhaps pretended that all is well in my world, so as not to make others uncomfortable, or because it's just easier to pretend the challenges don't exist. I've often put on a brave face and pretended that everything is alright, when in actual fact I'm being tentatively held together with half a staple and a dodgy paperclip.

Remember Clippy?

I know it sounds very selfish

and indulgent to even be writing about my 'problems'; especially when so many people are genuinely suffering in the world today. The rational part of me understands that I have a good life. And I am grateful. But make no mistake. Living without purpose, without love and with a lifeless energy, is a waste. Depression does not swim far from my gene pool, there have been times in the past where I've barely held my head above water.  But thankfully this four months away from the office has made me the happiest I have been in a long time. To have the priviledge to solely focus on healing, is actually one of the most important gifts I can give. Not only to myself, but to my family and friends.

So, what's the plan Stan?

Trying to change everything in my life at once just doesn't work for me. I've tried it. And failed. Many times. I get overwhelmed, inevitably something falls by the wayside and I get discouraged and give up. Generally worse off than when I started. I've been told that perfectionists harbour this trait. I never really looked at myself as one, but possibly?   Then I thought of introducing one change per week for 52 weeks.  But I could feel the impatience already running ahead of me, this was too drawn out for me. 

Then a friend led me to a wonderful website

that seemed to hold many answers for me.  Leo Babauta is a very inspiring fellow (http://zenhabits.net/3-day-monk/) and he helped reshape part of my thinking. He very reasonably explains that even if you only make one change per month, in one years time you can't be the same person you are today. You will have picked up 12 new better, healthier more productive habits. Sounds simple, but for some reason it clicked for me. I am in the same position (actually I'm in a worse position) than I was 7 years ago.  Just imagine if I had of introduced even one new change per quarter...I would be a completely different person than I am today. In 21 ways (my lucky number!)

So I gathered all of my notes

and books, and scraps of paper I'd scribbled on, and newspaper and magazine articles I had ripped out over the years, and took the best bits from each 'system' that I thought would work FOR ME. Everyone has a method or an opinion on what, how, why they think their approach is best. It was up to me to assess which one held value in each of the following six key areas that I'm looking to improve in: Finance & Organisation, Health, Physical, Spiritual, Beauty and Diet (and I don't use the word diet in an 'Atkins or calorie controlled' definition. Diet for me is about what I can ADD nutritionally rather than take away. Deprivation and strict adherence to certain foods has never worked for me.  Jon Gabriel is a big believer in adding the nutrients and goodness in, then the desire and need for the bad will fall by the way side. I'm ready to find out if that is indeed true for me!

The plan is to focus on one change

from each area each week.  I feel that six things to change or manage is do-able. This is all being made up as I go along, so I'll see if this is too much, or too little as I tackle it and adjust accordingly.  I plan to share with you my research and links in case you are interested in following a certain topic.  I decided not to start my new program on a Monday, as Mondays are sometimes hard enough without the extra challenge of big change.  I am starting my program tomorrow, Wednesday 13 June 2012.  As luck would have it, I have 9 weeks worth of challenges for myself, which takes my final week to my 45th birthday! How apt. Seems like Divine synchronicity to me.  However, the idea is not to finish at that time. But to continue with the (in this case) 54 changes and implement as many as I feel I need for as long as I want.  I hope I may even discover more additions along the way.

Wish me luck on my endeavour.

It is a big challenge, but as I see it, in a mere 3 months time I could well have 54 new positive habits and a whole better life.  The alternative is that everything stays the same. Meh. I'm living that life right now, and it's not doing a hell of a lot for me.  I have the support of two of the most amazing teenagers on this planet. Although I will also have to focus on finding work, and starting a new job (all challenging in themselves) I see these bubbles of goodness as fairly do-able, and non-intrusive.  I will write again this week to let you know how it's all going, and to explain my research and choices in these first six selections: Water, Meditation, Walking and Incidental Exercise, Gratitudes and Successes, Sleep and Money Making Activities. 

DIET	HEALTH	PHYSICAL	SPIRITUAL	BEAUTY	FIN/ORG
Water	Meditation	Walk & Incidental	Gratitudes & Successes	Sleep	Money making activities
Salt & Iodine	Omega 3	Stretching	Visualisation	Floss & Brush	Computer Time
Oil Pulling	Adrenal Breathing	Pace & Abcircle Pro	Mirror Exercise	Cleanse, Tone & Moisturise	Budget
Vitamins, Clay & Magnesium	Salt Lamp & fragrant candle	Dance	Affirmation	Kegals	Meal Plan
Organic Cooking & Gluten Free	Electrosmog	God Box/Anger Release/Feelings	Read/Watch/Classes self development	Moisturise Body	Family Fun
Juicing	Socialising & Networking	Childlike Fun	NLP	Massage	Filing/Electronic Housekeep
Eat Slow/Celebrate	Naturopath	Yoga/Pilates	Subliminal Video	Mani/Pedi	Gardening & Housework
Apple night & Cottage cheese/flax	Random Acts of Kindness	Tennis & Swimming	Dream Book/Ideal Day	Skin tag removal	Hobby
Hydrogen Peroxide	Romance	Weights	Intending	Hair & Face Masks	Volunteer

With much love
Kylee xox